I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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