i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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