OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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