How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
