Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
