:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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