So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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