my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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