my phone needs a breathalizer
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
