Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
