News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize