Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
