was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
