Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
