I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
