Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
