i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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