i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
