It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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