I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
