He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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