Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
