So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
