Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
