If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
