I think my vagina is haunted
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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