There was a lot of him and a little penis
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
