Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
