i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
