I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
