guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
