mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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