My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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