I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
