when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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