i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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