What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
