eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
