I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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