my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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