tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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