I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
