Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
