I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
