Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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