Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
