Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
