you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
