just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
