Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
