My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
