Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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