Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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