i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
