Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
