I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
