If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
