why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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