hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
