they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize