Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
