I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
