Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
