Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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